i can't see... how delightfull!

A quote from me this afternoon whilst sitting in the library next to kt!!!

Im feeling really really happy today! Im not sure why, maybe because its been a relaxing day, im not sure! Anyway i can't help but be excited for this friday. The thing is i know that nothing will happen between me and martin, cuz nothing ever does happen when i want it to! I suppose i should just stop looking and hope the someone comes along when i least expect it! ( well that will be another two years alone then!)

Yesterday i had a really insperational talk from Laura's ( my english teacher) brother. It really inspired me to becoem a journalist and go in to that form of business. The things he said proved that me and my cv are on the right track for doing well in the business! happy happy!!

Well again i am going to stress my happiness! happy happy happy!!! Im in a talkative mood aswell! I feel as sudden urge to phone kinjal! I think its because she has a connection with gossip and she generally shares the same feelings i do!

Well i must go! end of the lesson alomst! must look like ive been doing some work!


Bikbi! xxxx


Update 18:50pm

Well im at home now and in the end i didn't phone kinjal, i got to carried away with slouching on my new sofa! I dont know why my new found happiness was short lived, i feel a bit depressed now. Maybe its because im bored, i dont know. I feel like theres something missing and also i keep thinking about friday and i just have this 6th sense that nothing is going to happen. Im hoping by admitting this that something does happen but it wont! Wow i sound so pesimistic! I want to go to bed now but its a bit early isn't it!!!! lol!! Theres no one to talk to online and theres no tv programmes on either! I was hoping there was an interesting football match on today but theres not. Although saying that theres a Arsenal match on so i may get to Freddie Ljumberg! Yummm! Eye candy for the night! I use a lot of exclamation marks dont i! Well comment back ya'll!

Bikbi xxxxxxxxxxx

Calmy eating skittles

ok ok so i nicked the calmly eating phrase of Kt who in turned nicked it off the importance of being earnest!!!!

Im feeling happy today, its because i am surrounded by all my friends, for once we are all together, which is nice. Im also not stressing about my weight or what i look like which is another factor adding to my happiness. Also i know that in my next lesson i wont be doing any work!!! I'll just be researching, which i dont think requires that much brain power.

I havn't seen mary in what feels like ages, i really must text her!!! I hope that were doing something tonight, i havn't been out all week in the evening! I need to socialise, i also need to plan this meal thing that my lot are doing, we need to book as there is loads of us! Aghhhhh!!!

I feel there is something missing at the moment, i have to be honest and a but stupid when i say i think its the presense of a boyfriend, many people say that i dont need one or wait till uni, but to be honest i dont think i can wait, im in a hugging and lovey mood at the moment, not sexually frustrated as some people think i am!!! Lol! I just need to have a hug, at the moment i'll settle a hug from anyone but i would idealy like it to be from a guy! It annoys me that people can't see the real me, i try to hard to let people see who i really am, but somehow they also manage to judge me wrong, its annoying. I so many different sides to me, people just think im some kind of dominating person, when im soooo far from that its unreal!!! Im trying to put nice pictures of me up on the net so people will change their opinions of me, somehow i dont think they will. Damn it !

Right i must go now, i need to get down to the other campus to "work"!!!!

Bikbi xxx

Holidays

I really really want to go on lost of cool and interesting holidays this summer. For example i really hope Amsterdam comes off cuz that would be great. Also going down to cornwall in a big group, staying at my uncles cottage and possibly going with someone to devon and staying at my auntys house. But i would love to go on another holiday abroad as well! Like kt and i were talking about Sweden, or somewhere like that! I wanted to go to somewhere like spain- barcelona or somewhere similar! But Sweden is cool to, u never know we may bump into some of the swedish footy team! lol!!!!

Ummmm aside from holidays, i really need a break from college. Im starting to get really run down, i think im coming down with yet another cold, my glands are up, my heads weird and feels like its been stuffed with cotton balls!!! If i get worse i may take 2mox off, but im not sure yet. I may meet my mum in watford later on, i hope i do because im in a buying mood. I was in one yesterday to, shopping for myself always makes me feel better!!! It must be a girl thing! Like shoes!!! I have WAY TO MANY pairs but i somehow feel the need to buy more. I think its because they can't make u look fat! And most styles of shoe fit u, and therefore make u happy! Like jewellery really!! Oh god i need to shop!

I also feel very comfortable today, mainly due to the hoody im wearing and my favourite pair of jeans!!! Im having a thin day today! I keep having a lot of those recently, maybe i have lost weight!! Lol!

I cant wait till friday, but i just can't help thinking that something will go wrong with the plans me and karl have made for the group on friday. If i try and organise something with the group somebody always disagrees with the plans and makes new ones, maybe its just to spite me or maybe not!!! (that was too dramatic wasn't it!!!) Actually because theres a massive group of us, someone is bound to complain about someone else who has been invited *cough cough* mary and abi *cough cough* *nudge nudge* lol!!!!! Awwww i really have no idea why the twins hate mary! Mary is very civil to them and she makes an effort but still they have a massive hate for her! Hey maybe Abi fancies her!! run mary run!!! hahahahaha!

Right, im going now!

Bi bi bi

goodfellas

heya,

ive just been watching goodfellas in media, its a good film. It gets the balance of glamourising gangsters and the real life of gangsters just right.

Im in a happy mood again today, i think its because uni stuff is sorted and theres not tons of pressure at college any more. I can relax for a couple of weeks or so.

I thought as its valentines day today that my day would be awful and i would be really depressed. I assumed that tons of girls would be walking around with presents etc etc! But actually their not! Today is like any other normal day, thank god!! Though tonight i may have to stay in my room to avoid my sister and her boyfriend. He came round last night to hide some things for her, he's a romantic! My sister is trying to hide her excitement and act cool, but its not working! hahaha!!!

What is it with my head lately! I mean ive been remembering my dreams practically every day for the last month. I thought i only did that when i was worrying about something, cuz the remembering of dreams started around my exams!! Well i think im going to go home and read my book about dreams. Im going to disifer lat nights dream! Which was about me, mary and some random person. I think we were walking and it also had something to do with cars and wayne rooney!!! I wonder what my book has to say about that!

Ummm, hmmmmm, im not 100% sure what im going to talk about now! Ok ok, so i may say that i like this guy but he goes to another skl. Whenever i fancy a guy nothing ever happens, i just end up making myself look like a fool!!! Ive only told a few people who this person is, and i think im going to keep it that way. I dont want people talking! Its not nice when people gossip behind ur back.

Im bored! Im in a writting mood, i could type for ages, the trouble is ive got nothing more to write about!

Well im watching the footy tonight and maybe practicing my guitar if i can be arsed!

From bikbi

social life!

I seem to have one! I know its supreising! lol! hahaha! I went to Marys on the 2 snowdays and im going to her house again tonight for a sleepover with her n kinjal n then 2moz theres a whole load of us going to hemel, its a bowling, ice skating and swimming thingy!! should be fun!!! And then damn its back college! how sucky!! Im in a very hyper mood today! Really not like me actually! I guess it because England won the cricket the other day and man utd and watford both won today aswell! And lol! England rugby team beat italy! So today is a great day for england! Wow i bet i wont be saying that again for a while! Im having another thin day today! Wearing my size 10 jeans! hahaha! im so happy!!! Right im off!! speak soon! bi bi bi bi bi

haha

heya,

thank you muffins and kidney for your comments! They were both very funny! And yes muffins i shall join u in ur private world where England won the last two world cups, in the last world cup we beat Brazil 10-0!!! lol!!! a bit extreme but it makes me happy! And as for ur comment kidney, yeh i think i will go back to my scottish roots and heritage!!! lol! i must get a scottland shirt!!! Why the hell did England even hire Steve Mclaren, he was crap at Middlesborough, what made them think he was gona to fantastic with the England squad! SACK HIM! Thats what i say! And trust me its not a harsh statemeant to make!

Im happy today because i cleared things up with my mum and im having a thin day and im not at college! Wooohooo! hahahaha!!!! So im in a very happy mood, im about to go to kinjals! Well i say im about to, it will probably be in the next hour or so!

Well i havn't got much to say at the mo! So i will leave u with one final thought.....

is John O'shea gay?????

Bikbi xx

Umm.....

Thanks for the comment Joanne, unfortunately i can't stop thinking about my weight, but hey im not gonna rant about it in todays blog! Todays blog is allllll about my family! hahaha!

Well after college i said i would meet my sister and my mum in Watford so i could go shopping, so i did. The annoying thing was, that my sister keeps clutching her stomach and walking around as if someone has just stabbed her! Ok ok i know shes had an operation but was almost a week ago and shes been walking fine at home. So why the change in public?? Attention, and believe me, she got lots of it! This sounds as if im jealous of her attention. I guess i kinda am but in a weird psycho way! At home my mum has been running around my sister as if she were some kind of new born who couldn't do anything. My sister has been milking this appendix thing for a couple of days now, and my mum can't see it. Its soo annoying. I mean today in Pizza Express, the conversation was about my sister or my sister was doing most of the talking and making my look small when i said something ( she managed to turn everything i said into a blonde comment or insensitve comment! which they were not). So when the conversation moved away from her completely, she did the almost crying in pain thing. So my mum automaticaly blanked me, ignoring my problems, and went rushing to her to see if she was ok. And hey presto as soon as my sister had the attention she said " oh know im fine now, i can cope!" Grrrrr and then this evening, my mum has been snappy at me. Literally as ive been writting this me and mum have had a chat and she now knows my feelings but i still feel angry towards her. I can't help it.

Right im off to watch England be smussshed by spain!!!!

Bi bi xxxxx

today

well today people have been talking to me about my last post, my weight to be precise. It seems that you guys dont think that i am fat and u dont think i need to loose weight either! Its kind of to say that, but really im only just in my ideal weight zone i would really like to be about 9 stone! BUT as Joanna said i do have muscles as well as fat so maybe thats to blame for my scales hating me! Im feeling better today about how i look, probably because my jeans suck my butt in! lol!

Ive figured out what the England team to face Spain will look like, i have a horrible feeling, that were gona loose! lol! If Wayne Rooney and Paul Robinson had been starting then i would have been more confident, but as their not, im worried! Its only a friendly but its still embarrasing when we loose. I wish England could be good at one sport! JUST ONE! Thats all i ask!

Ok ok!!! Hmm what next!? Oh god i know! Ive got a black belt class tonight, i hate going there, especially as Kieran (friend-enemy!) is going to be there. Shes only a brown belt (i would have been that but i was put on the fast track programme!) , though she thinks she knows everything, and makes me look stupid. Every week i go with a fake confidence, but by the end ive embarrased myself by doing something! The worst 2 hrs of my week i feel!! Oh well i have to attend these stupid things!

Hmmm im not sure what else to say!!

Bi bi!

Update to I wish...........

OK so am happier now that i have had lunch! I also heard that Wayne Rooney is going to be allowed to train with the England squad which must mean that he is virtualy fit! Woooo! We may even draw the england game! Good God!!!

I wish........

that i went into london today with mary. College is boring and hardly anyone is in. Not cath, kat or anne. Its just me and Daniel. Ive exhausted the internet, there are only so many articles i can read on Van der Sars broken nose or how big phil thinks Ronaldo should go to Barcelona! Lol! Im sooo hungry! Though my new found fitnes and diet regieme is stopping me from eating. Ive decided to do some basic exercise in the evening and morning. Including sit ups, press ups, squats and something else im not sure of the propper name!! I was very motivated last night. The reason was because i was talking about my birthday party and i really want to look good for my 18th and the summer as well, so that has spured me on to loose weight and look good! I have no idea how long this phase will last! I think im going to look back to the rosemary connely diet, i lost a lot of weight on that! Eeeeeeek months of hell is to come! Oh great!!!

Well my sis was in hospital with Apendicitus! So she had her appendix whipped out on friday evening! There is soooo much i could moan about regarding her, the hospital and the nhs in general. I wont bore u to death so put it this way, when im older if i can afford it, i will go private!! There is no effing way im gona put my life or my families life in the hands of the nhs ever again (if i can help it!). Well my sis came home yesterday, shes walking like an old man! Which is funny. I told her she can now do dot to dot on her stomach, she wasn't best pleased!!

Im really hungry still! My gosh i dont think i can wait another hour! Oh well looks like i'll have to! Ive been on ebay looking for wwe raw tickets, ive found some that look good, but the college computers went weird and i had to log off and then i tried again and the same thing happened! So im not gona bother looking here, im gona wait till i get home!

Last week went really quickly, i was genuinly going to do lots of guitar practice, but the week went to quickly that i never actually got to do any. So when i get back today, im going to write and practice like mad, in the vain hope my guitar teacher wont notice the lack of practice! I'll let u know how that goes.

It really sucks that no one is here! The one day i bring the invites for the girly night Anne isn't here and neiter is anyone else! The only one i handed out was to Joanna and the chances of her coming are very very very small! Oh well thats the way it goes i suppose! Oh yeh, and i have been lugging around kats belt in my bag as well. Its bloody heavy! And guess what, shes not here! Though i think she has a good excuse, i think shes taking her driving theory!!! But still, my bag is wayyyyy heavier than it should be. Most of the stuff i brought today i didn't even need. I tell you, Media better be worth going to, otherwise im gona sooooo angry that today is a waste of my time. I could have been in london have a good time and stuffing myself with Pizza and meeting famous people. But no, my dad guilt tripped me into coming here, and for what? NOTHING. Im very pissed off at the moment. Im hungry,no one is here, in lonely, Wayne Rooney may be out of the England game and Edwin Van der Sar has broken his nose. Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Although on a lighter note, the England Rugby team beat Scotland 42-20!! Woo and Man Utd crushed Tottenham 4-0! hahahahahahahahaha at White Hart Lane as well! Wooo we rule! And see John 0'shea in goal was the funniest thing ive seen all year! He managed to stop a dead cert goal by tackling the player! But he did fail to catch any of the balls he just punched desperately at them! Very funny!!

Had a dream about Ronaldo last night, i dreamt i was dancing with him! And then i was some kids communian and then i was in a skl. And mary had told me to wait in the loos and she would meet me there. So i waited and she didn't come. So i stormed into what must have been my classroom and started to yell at Mary becasue she left me there. Man i got angry. I dont think there was a teacher there, if there was, i didn't see one! I wonder what that dream means anyway???? Oh well!

Another thing related to my sisters hospital stint was that apparently I was the one keeping everything together!!!! Lol! I was being the positive, happy one. This confuzzles me because i was really really scared and didn't feel happy at all. On sunday at dinner, i told my sister to smile and my mother replied "she can't smile when shes in pain" Stupid cow. I was only trying to cheer my sister up. So i got stroppy and did the emotive "I was only trying to help, no one bothers to listen to me, im going into the other room" My Dad followed and said that i had been a big help and he also said he told my mother off for being horrible! My mum has really pissed me off lately, i know the hospital thing was hard on her, but it was hard on me too. Just because i wasn't by my sister 24/7 doesn't mean that i dont care about her. I was really really scared on Thursday when my mum told me about Cath. I was standing in the middle of the mosh pit trying not to cry or go home that instant. I did enjoy the gig but i hardly slept that night. I dont think anyone knew how much it affected me, all i could think of was what happens if she gets a super bug or if the surgeons cut an artery. Im gona stay out of the way this week, my parents are asking me questions all the effing time and i can't handle it. Im just getting depressed, i have no idea why and no reason to either.

I guess part of the reason is that i feel im slipping away from Mary. She seems to spend tons of time with the guys and now shes got Steve. Also Kinjal seems to know a lot more about what Mary gets up to than i do. I feel im competeing for best friend spot with Kinjal. I dont want to do that. I havn't had any alone time with Mary for ages, i tried to make arrangements for yesterday because i thought thats what Mary wanted, but she said she was busy with her mum. I mean thats fine but i did think that she wanted to do something that day, it was her idea and all of a sudden shes changed her plans. It pissed me off a bit because i wanted to go out, i needed to get out of the house badly, my parents were moaning and my sis was being lippy. Oh well!!!

In the group i feel 2nd best to everyone, no one seems to really talk to me that much, via karl. Im trying but i still feel unwanted.

My god i dont think i will write anymore! It looks like ive turned really emo! Which is a bad thing!!

Right, comment me!!!

Bikbi xxxx