howdy

I really can't think of imaginative titles for my blog!!

My eye keeps pulsing! Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

I have 3 dvd's that im borrowing from catherine, im going to be couch potatoe this weekend and watch them. I can do this because my mum is in devon and therefore can not nag me about doing revision. I showed her my time table regarding exams etc and ive got ages to go. Im not the kind of person who revises years before my exam, though im not someone who crams it all in the night before either! Im somewhere in between!

Im feeling really happy, probably cuz ive got exciting things coming in the post!! Oh and i may have given myself the day off yesterday, but no one knows that! Seriously, my mum is in devon, my dad gets back late and my sister always gets home after me anyway! Perfect! It was only media anway, we are doing stuff about magazines, rather easy!!!

I still would like to meet some new people, i spose i shall have to wait until uni, which kinda sucks actually! but oh well! oh btw when i mean new people i more specifically mean guys. though having a few more girl friends would be fine also!

Im not 100% sure of what to write now! Hmmmmmm! Though i have the urge to keep on writing cuz this is the only place that i can voice my opinons and no one will say " god u talk about urself a lot!" no one had said this to me but whenever i talk about how i feel i always feel that the people im talking to really dont want to hear. hmmm id like ur feed back on that please! i do value ur comments, they make me feel better!

i have a sore stomach, i think i have pulled some muscles. it was probably from the intense work out i had on tuesday. we did push ups, my shoulders have not recovered yet!

Im going to my dads office opening do tonight, im going as my dads plus one as my mum is away. should be fun having adult conversation. I want to prove to my mother that i am an adult and that i can make intelligent conversation. she said to me that i would get bored etc etc. why cant my mum just belive in me for once. constantly nagging and commenting about my weight. i hate to say this but im enjoying my mum being away this week. i am free, im feeling more adult. i have no one moaning about my sister to me, or how we use her as a taxi service. its not my fault i have activities, dont u want me to have a varied cv? cuz sometimes i feel bad for making her drive me, but how else would i get there? if i sat at home she would call me lazy. i just cn't win.

right, u've probably got bored of what i am writing! So i am gona go,

im going to research my family tree!

Bikbi xxx

Howdy

Heya,

im happy today, i think its becasue its friday and i have sorted out over half of my entire A2 notes into piles etc! Ive just got to do some english ones and a bit of media when i get home! I couldn't be bothered to bring all my folders with me.

I think the others are going out to the cinema tonight, i can't go cuz i have to go and talk about being a scout leader in a pub in ruislip! random!!!! Though i wish i was seeing the guys, i miss them! Does that sound weird??? I hope someone misses me, sounds strange but i dont feel that any body would miss me if i disappeared from the group for any reason. Im probably being really dramatic and ott but hey one can never tell these things!

I dont feel any different now that im 18. Though i think it will kick in once i can drive! Weird i know! Oh well, who cares!

Looking forward to this weekend, i need a break! Plus its catherines birthday, wooo im soooo glad shes going to a chinease restaurant! A load of 18 year olds in a restaurant, hmmm i wonder how much alcohol we'll go through!!! One can only hope a lot! Wow i sound like an alchy! Im promise u im not, my parents keep offering me wine now that im offcialy allowed to drink it, but to be honest im not in the mood on a week night, i like to drink a bit if its an occasion or something similar!

Im going to go now, i hope that kat and cath havn't gone to the brazzerie without me!!! Wait wait! I neeeed foooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!!

Bikbi xxxxxxx

Hello back again!

Heya im back!!!

I have been urged (more like forced!) in to writing more in my blog!

I need to get a boyfriend! I go through stages where i dont need one but now i do. People will say to me i dont need one, or just hug your friends! Its not the same, to have someone who likes you and fancys you and thinks about more than is healthy and you feel the same back is fantastic! There was this one guy, martin, that i liked, but to be honest part of me looks at him says well hes not my type! Im just going for him because hes single and a new guy( i know wot i mean!) People say i should wait until uni and then id get all the guys. I can't wait that long. Plus whats so different about my now and at college. Surely i will just be invisible like i am now! I can't see myself being fancied! Can u? Im not liked now so whats the difference?

Man u lost the other day, but guess what, i wasn't angry, that was only because i launched myself into the world of dr who before the reality could set in, so the footy was forgotten about! Anyway watford beat portsmouth 4-2 today! Woooooooooooooooooooo that rules!

Im going to wales 2moz afternoon, i know when i get there im going to be depressed and lonely. Thats cuz i dont really know the people there, so i will be a bit of an outcast. Oh well! I always get in a reflective and sad mood when im in the countryside. Homesick maybe?? But when i get home i want to be gone again. I want to loose myself in the hills. Sometimes i want to be a victim so i get more attention. Thats bad i know, but its how my mind works. I get lost in my fantasy worlds as well. And when i come out of them i get sad because i know what im feeling in my world isn't true. And a lot of the time so far from the truth its scary. Kidding your emotions can be dangerous. Lucky im level headed enough and stable enough not to let it seriously affect me.

Im worried in wales cuz i want to look semi cool as theres another girl going who is quite cool. Y do i always feel i have to compete with other girls??? I think is comes down to my self-esteem, confidence and attention issues again. Damn!

Right im off to kill my ipod and my computer!

Bikik xxxx

Sad, Angry and im probably gona cry in library!

Yeh well my happy spell really didn't last for long. Kinjal phoned me just now to tell me that ten people we invited arn't coming, including the guy i like. We changed our plans just for them and now their not even coming. And just to top it all off, their lying to kinjal and saying that their going to Pauls at 9.30, after the meal, but then other people are saying " r u going to kinjals?? no! wot time is pauls? 7.30" DONT FUCKING LIE YOU PRICKS. Its sooo obvious ur lying, kinjal deserves better than that. To be honest i dont want to go tonight, cuz i know the whole night will just be spent bitching about other people and to be honest i wont have fun becuase i built my hopes up for tonight. Everyone together, i could flirt! lol! It was my thing to look forward to, now its going to be shit and im not going to have fun, theres no one that i can flirt with or impress. Theres no fucking point in me going. I dont want to go, but i have to. Part of wants to go and make myself look good and inturn make myself feel better, but i know it wont. Putting on a false front is hard work, and just makes me more upset when i get home. I need some affection and im not getting it from anywhere, well apart from my cuddly cow, but to be honest that doesn't count at all. I need something to look forward to, the next thing is marys party but thats the last day of march and its only the 2nd today. I have my driving test in amoungst that. Everything sucks! I want to scream and scream and cry and cry some more. But i can't i have to show restraint. i dont want to go to my next lesson either. And knowing that i will have to re-tell this story a few more times today really doesn't fill me with joy. Im bored and upset and im not sure what else. I need fun and a hassle free world for once, i need someone, and at the moment i dont think i care who.

Bikbi xxxxxxx

UPDATE 16:29!!!

Ok ok so maybe i was being a bit drastic earlier! u know spur of the moment and that sort of thing! Im happier now. If they dont want to come then fuck them! Im gona have fun tonight and their not gona stop me! so there! nah nah nah!!!

i can't see... how delightfull!

A quote from me this afternoon whilst sitting in the library next to kt!!!

Im feeling really really happy today! Im not sure why, maybe because its been a relaxing day, im not sure! Anyway i can't help but be excited for this friday. The thing is i know that nothing will happen between me and martin, cuz nothing ever does happen when i want it to! I suppose i should just stop looking and hope the someone comes along when i least expect it! ( well that will be another two years alone then!)

Yesterday i had a really insperational talk from Laura's ( my english teacher) brother. It really inspired me to becoem a journalist and go in to that form of business. The things he said proved that me and my cv are on the right track for doing well in the business! happy happy!!

Well again i am going to stress my happiness! happy happy happy!!! Im in a talkative mood aswell! I feel as sudden urge to phone kinjal! I think its because she has a connection with gossip and she generally shares the same feelings i do!

Well i must go! end of the lesson alomst! must look like ive been doing some work!


Bikbi! xxxx


Update 18:50pm

Well im at home now and in the end i didn't phone kinjal, i got to carried away with slouching on my new sofa! I dont know why my new found happiness was short lived, i feel a bit depressed now. Maybe its because im bored, i dont know. I feel like theres something missing and also i keep thinking about friday and i just have this 6th sense that nothing is going to happen. Im hoping by admitting this that something does happen but it wont! Wow i sound so pesimistic! I want to go to bed now but its a bit early isn't it!!!! lol!! Theres no one to talk to online and theres no tv programmes on either! I was hoping there was an interesting football match on today but theres not. Although saying that theres a Arsenal match on so i may get to Freddie Ljumberg! Yummm! Eye candy for the night! I use a lot of exclamation marks dont i! Well comment back ya'll!

Bikbi xxxxxxxxxxx

Calmy eating skittles

ok ok so i nicked the calmly eating phrase of Kt who in turned nicked it off the importance of being earnest!!!!

Im feeling happy today, its because i am surrounded by all my friends, for once we are all together, which is nice. Im also not stressing about my weight or what i look like which is another factor adding to my happiness. Also i know that in my next lesson i wont be doing any work!!! I'll just be researching, which i dont think requires that much brain power.

I havn't seen mary in what feels like ages, i really must text her!!! I hope that were doing something tonight, i havn't been out all week in the evening! I need to socialise, i also need to plan this meal thing that my lot are doing, we need to book as there is loads of us! Aghhhhh!!!

I feel there is something missing at the moment, i have to be honest and a but stupid when i say i think its the presense of a boyfriend, many people say that i dont need one or wait till uni, but to be honest i dont think i can wait, im in a hugging and lovey mood at the moment, not sexually frustrated as some people think i am!!! Lol! I just need to have a hug, at the moment i'll settle a hug from anyone but i would idealy like it to be from a guy! It annoys me that people can't see the real me, i try to hard to let people see who i really am, but somehow they also manage to judge me wrong, its annoying. I so many different sides to me, people just think im some kind of dominating person, when im soooo far from that its unreal!!! Im trying to put nice pictures of me up on the net so people will change their opinions of me, somehow i dont think they will. Damn it !

Right i must go now, i need to get down to the other campus to "work"!!!!

Bikbi xxx

Holidays

I really really want to go on lost of cool and interesting holidays this summer. For example i really hope Amsterdam comes off cuz that would be great. Also going down to cornwall in a big group, staying at my uncles cottage and possibly going with someone to devon and staying at my auntys house. But i would love to go on another holiday abroad as well! Like kt and i were talking about Sweden, or somewhere like that! I wanted to go to somewhere like spain- barcelona or somewhere similar! But Sweden is cool to, u never know we may bump into some of the swedish footy team! lol!!!!

Ummmm aside from holidays, i really need a break from college. Im starting to get really run down, i think im coming down with yet another cold, my glands are up, my heads weird and feels like its been stuffed with cotton balls!!! If i get worse i may take 2mox off, but im not sure yet. I may meet my mum in watford later on, i hope i do because im in a buying mood. I was in one yesterday to, shopping for myself always makes me feel better!!! It must be a girl thing! Like shoes!!! I have WAY TO MANY pairs but i somehow feel the need to buy more. I think its because they can't make u look fat! And most styles of shoe fit u, and therefore make u happy! Like jewellery really!! Oh god i need to shop!

I also feel very comfortable today, mainly due to the hoody im wearing and my favourite pair of jeans!!! Im having a thin day today! I keep having a lot of those recently, maybe i have lost weight!! Lol!

I cant wait till friday, but i just can't help thinking that something will go wrong with the plans me and karl have made for the group on friday. If i try and organise something with the group somebody always disagrees with the plans and makes new ones, maybe its just to spite me or maybe not!!! (that was too dramatic wasn't it!!!) Actually because theres a massive group of us, someone is bound to complain about someone else who has been invited *cough cough* mary and abi *cough cough* *nudge nudge* lol!!!!! Awwww i really have no idea why the twins hate mary! Mary is very civil to them and she makes an effort but still they have a massive hate for her! Hey maybe Abi fancies her!! run mary run!!! hahahahaha!

Right, im going now!

Bi bi bi